Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of marmite. But I’m not an animal. I have it on toast, or a bagel, or maybe a toastie if I’m feeling reckless.

But my son wants marmite sandwiches. Sandwiches! How is it possible to spread marmite on bread without the bread disintegrating? Is there a technique that in my five decades on this earth I have not been able to master?