And then dunk on a 7’2" rim, but not even get 2 inches off the ground, yet still manage to stuff himself on the rim and shatter a knee. Then at the next rally, he’ll bend over behind the podium to pick up his basketball and then reemerge as an obviously younger man wearing a pillow under a raggedy suit and wearing both a bald cap and a thinned out wig, then that stunt guy will launch off a springboard, dunking on a 12’ rim like the sick mofo he is.

When the article finally emerges on who the mystery stunt double was, it’ll be some mostly wholesome, yet slightly triggering interview about this guy coming up from nothing and finally getting the recognition he deserves, albeit for doubling for a monster. Then a follow-up article about how he actually has kidnapped 17 children in 14 years but has never been convicted and a video of him stomping on pigeons. Finally, Fox will say something stupid on a talkshow about black voters loving pigeon-stompers and the MAGA base will call everyone else racist snowflakes while they cry all over their bleached-white, snot-stained hoods.