F1NN5TER’s discord server is pretty chill.

From what I remember about your face, you look androgynous at worst, with makeup and styling easily taking you the rest of the way.

Transitioning makes it possible to love yourself, but you still need to dispel the self hatred like everyone else. It’s a struggle for cis people, so of course transition isn’t going to automatically fix that problem. You still need to recognize that your life is worth fighting for. You deserve to be loved, especially by yourself.

We can’t just take a medication to escape our shame. The right hormones will only open the gate, but you must surrender the comforting assumption that you’re inherently a piece of shit. Your appearance is hopeless in your mind, and will remain that way as long as you believe it. Self judgments are not more accurate by virtue of being negative.

I’m not invalidating your fears, but I am invalidating your hate. You don’t deserve it and it does not help you. Critiques made out of love can drive improvement, but not mental self harm.

It’s hard to know how everyone’s bodies will react, but it’s also important to consider the purely psychological effects. Even social transition changed things, at least for me. Seeing myself differently somehow affected the way it feels and how long they last. I started to ejaculate without orgasm, experiencing a more intense orgasm once it finally happened. Orgasms are confusing.

I wish I could have experienced being a girl going through school. Those years always felt so wasted and lonely. Maybe I’d still be lonely and insecure, but I can’t imagine it’d be as empty or hopeless if I didn’t have a constant sense of wrongness.

I never felt like dating because I hated the idea of making the first move. I always felt out of place with the guys and couldn’t easily understand them. Why couldn’t they just talk about their fucking feelings? Why did there always have to be layers of sarcasm and irony if we were talking in a group? So fucking strange how they saw women as mysterious when they were opaque themselves.

I fucking wish I got to date boys instead of trying to be one. I would probably have still struggled with girl attraction, but at least I understand them more easily as friends. I could enjoy dumb shit like carrying on conversations in the bathroom. When I wasn’t a part of it, I wondered what they talked about. Now that I’ve heard them and talked with my mom from separate stalls, I realize they didn’t talk about anything special. There’s no mystery, it’s just any other menial conversation about life, and yet, it doesn’t seem weird in the slightest to have it while on the toilet. When you gotta talk, you gotta talk.

I’m honestly amazed that I even pieced things together eventually. I had no idea that I would feel better as a girl because I didn’t get to do girly things. My parents are both somewhat nonconforming, so I didn’t think that gender could make such a difference in my life. I guess it still took 5 years, but given that I started from not having the faintest clue, I remain impressed.

I think this is more dysmorphia than dysphoria. The good news is that all women feel this, many just as strongly as you. I would look into resources for women with body dysmorphia. The strength of the dysmorphia isn’t tied to how attractive the person actually is. Plenty of supermodels and attractive actors get convinced that everyone is lying about them being hot. Your self view is unreliable right now. A big part of dealing with dysmorphia is making that view more grounded.

I had this sort of concern about coming out as fully fem, but once I made that jump, there wasn’t another jump to make for seeking HRT. Part of this is because I was already going by they/them pronouns, but I just saw the decisions as one in the same for me.

I didn’t think I needed hormones to be valid, I just knew I wanted them more confidently than social transition. There was a period where I wished I could HRT stealth before having to come out to others. The worst part is I’m still not on E 😭

Looking at the pic, there is definitely hope, but time and money are probably the real problem. Eyebrow thinning and eyelashes would be helpful and only require maintenance, while makeup would make you pretty. Nothing that’s masculine in this picture can’t be changed with easily available beauty products. The eyebrows alone are 90% of what gives a masc vibe, and even still, your face is ambiguous at most. If you put in time and effort, you’ll be more than fine.

I don’t know about your clothing, but they also play a significant role. Body language, posture, gait, and facial expressions can also help or hurt. These are things anyone can adjust and come more naturally as you practice. Even people with super masculine faces or bodies can assert their gender by wearing the right things and moving the right way. It’s just harder for us to learn these things than cis women who got to learn it as teens.

I know how I can look better outside of medical stuff, but time and motivation are not on my side. I have crippling executive functioning problems, and struggle to start basic affirming activities like shaving or skincare. However, once I start do them, I feel so much better and can finish doing things with less effort. It’s just so hard to affirm when you have work and life to worry about.

On top of that, fashion and cosmetics cost money, even if you’re frugal. Being trans makes life harder, but there isn’t much we can do about it. Getting off HRT will probably just make things even harder than now. Everything that makes you unhappy with your appearance will get worse, and you won’t suddenly get used to it.

Your battle right now is mental more than it is hormonal. That doesn’t make it less valid or real. It’s probably more difficult in many ways.

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There can never be 100% certainty with anything in life, so it’ll always be a leap of faith. Only you can identify yourself as trans, but your post doesn’t seem very cis to me.

I had a similar experience with gaming, only even moreso. I picked only male characters, but mostly because I had in my head that I needed to be a boy. Being a girl was an option I just couldn’t comprehend, for years. When I finally did go fem, I never went back. Girls are clearly better. Who wouldn’t want to be one? 😉

No problem. The egg_irl and traaa subreddits were very important in cracking my egg, so I’m well versed in trans memes. I learned that there are a great diversity in trans experiences, contrary to the narratives of ignorant doctors and insecure gatekeepers.

Some people transition back to their assigned gender and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, invalidating a person who hasn’t settled on a label can delay their progress. If someone doesn’t end up identifying with a label, affirming them will do more to help them find their identity than insisting that they’re “trenders.” Transmedicalists often claim that invalidation is “in the person’s best interest,” but they’re flat out wrong. They’re just bullies.

Sexologists and evolutionary psychologists often rely on biased assumptions about sex and gender that are outdated and close-minded. Blanchard assumed that trans people were either homosexual(attracted to the opposite gender by some bizarre logic) or autogynophilic fetishists(attracted to the same gender) that weren’t actually transgender. Further investigation revealed that a great number of cis people experience this supposed “autogynophilia,” because imagining oneself in sexual situations is hot. Even if someone does have a fetish, they might be trans, or they might not. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

Evolutionary psychologists often assume that queer people mostly exist because of kin selection, basically that they help their straight relatives with shared genes reproduce. However, queer people can and do have kids. In fact, most trans people are attracted their own gender to some extent, meaning they can and do reproduce genetically. Trans people might actually help gay cis people reproduce, with gay transmascs having kids with gay cis men, while transfems can have kids with cis lesbians. Even straight trans people can reproduce with other trans people.

Cis gays can have sex(or do surrogacy and IVF in the modern day) with the opposite sex while raising the kids with their romantic partners. Queer people might get pressured into having kids. Ace people might not be aromantic and have kids because they love their partner, while aromantic people that aren’t asexual might have kids because they fuck. NBs can reproduce for similar reasons to any of those listed depending on their specific orientation and identity. If anything, trans people might be more prevalent because they make gay people more likely to reproduce, making trans identities an evolved adaptation.

Sorry for the info dump. I’m a huge nerd 😩

Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy.

Huh? We must have hung out into totally different spaces. I’ve seen plenty of posts and memes about being unable to differentiate envy and attraction.

For me, the two have often been linked, especially in regards to people I know. My biggest crushes when I was young kinda fit a type. Slim face, long dark hair, thin; all things I now realize I really envied. I fell for someone like that before I even saw their face. It wasn’t always envy, as I often didn’t envy 100% of their traits, but envy was usually a big part of it.

Those crushes were definitely crushes, and that envy was definitely envy. These things aren’t clean and separate for everyone in every instance. Such is the case for some of us 🙃

You’re in a relatively good position, but it still won’t be easy. Having a pan wife who accepts you is pretty sweet. You’ll still have the struggles that are inevitable for trans people in 2024; nothing can change that. However, transitioning is by far your best option.

I was circling the idea of being transfem for a while, but I had a lot of doubt still. I played as male characters in role playing games, never allowing myself to consider being a girl. I didn’t know trans people existed for most of my life, and was convinced for years that I couldn’t be a real girl because I didn’t consider it consciously.

The first crack in my egg came when I realized I was bi. I liked girls, so I assumed I was just a straight guy. I just assumed that the boy I was obsessed with for years in elementary school was just a really treasured friend. To be fair, I was jealous of his long hair and that time girls braided it in a feminine way, but I was also very attracted to him outside of that. I somehow never considered that I had an obvious crush on him, despite the fact that I recognized the same behavior towards a girl as attraction in middle school. 🤦‍♀️

At least I figured it out the second time it happened with. He was mysterious and flirty, a dangerous combination. I got mad at him when he pushed me away as things got too gay, but it somehow didn’t click that I liked him. My lack of awareness back then was impressive. I got back in contact a few years later and finally realized that I liked him once I was an adult.

Around the same time, I met a transfem enby that I really related to. I just assumed they were a cis woman for months, until I stumbled across trans reddit. I learned more about trans culture and realized that this person I saw myself in was trans. It somehow took me 3 years to realize that I saw myself in them because I wasn’t cis, and another 2 years until I realized I was a woman. 😫

Part of my comical obliviousness was that my mind kept me from even considering it. I’m a fairly empathetic person, but my mind refused to put me in high heels and a dress, so I rarely experienced euphoria. I was miserable by default and held a deep seated hatred for who I was. I didn’t realize my dysphoria because I had never felt anything else. Slowly, as the shell began to fracture, I felt twinges of clear dysphoria, hints of who I was, but confronting it was scary and painful, so it took years to finally face myself.

The first time I fully imagined myself in a cis female body living a cis female life, the shell fell apart. I cried and cried because I knew that egg could not be put back together. I knew I would not be happy as a man. Even then, I naively thought that I could just tank the dysphoria for a few years and gradually transition without coming out. I was wrong.

It just wasn’t healthy to view my life as worthless; to only continue living because I didn’t want to upset the people that loved me. I thought I could live without loving myself, but I now realize that it wasn’t possible. I didn’t deserve the emotional abuse I inflicted on myself and couldn’t consent to that mental self harm.

I’ve never felt worse. The costume I built my entire life was crumbling and I would be destroyed with it if I stayed inside it. I had nothing to lose, so I made the best decision of my life.

I don’t know your story, but I wouldn’t wait longer than necessary if I were freshly hatched. Dysphoria often gets worse once the egg is gone, and it will only get better through affirmation. It’s always uncomfortable at first, but no amount of discomfort or pain compares to the feeling of self love. It really can be night and day. I thought that my base mood would always be low, but I now realize that it’s quite high when I am me.

Ngl, I’ve seen you all over this instance for months and just assumed you were already an out and proud transfem. I don’t mean that in the malicious sense of putting you in a box, but you just read that way. Learning that you were still on the path towards self acceptance was a surprise, especially given your username. Then again, I hung out in trans spaces for a long time before I accepted myself, so it doesn’t really shock me.

Regardless of what you are, it’s important to realize that there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. It’s fine to be trans or gay, just like it’s fine to be straight or cis. It’s fine if it’s a fetish, and it’s fine if you’re trans. Just because you’re atypical, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Cutting through the shame might help you understand yourself better.

When it comes to sissy hypno or “cock lust,” it could be a kink for feminization, but you could still be trans. Having a fetish and being trans are not mutually exclusive. When it comes to gender and sexuality, we can’t fully choose how we feel or what we want. Right now, you shouldn’t look for a reason behind why you want something. Instead, focus on what you want.

A big part of being trans is wanting to be another gender. If you want to be a woman and don’t want to be a man, then you’re a woman. If you don’t want to be male or female, you’re neither. If you want to be both male and female, you’re both. If you want to be a feminized man, or a woman with a penis, or both at the same time, you can be it. If you want to be a sissy in bed, but not actually date men outside of sex, then you could be bisexual and heteromantic. If you want to fuck fem, but live masc, it might be a fun kink.

A useful exercise is to consider what would feel worse: You being a cis guy with a fetish, or you being trans. Would you be disappointed that you’re a guy, or relieved that you’re a guy? Would you be sad if you were a girl, or happy?

There’s no inherent point for the individual beyond having a good time. Worrying about what you deserve isn’t a helpful approach. It’s rare that people get what they deserve in any sense, as there is no such thing as value beyond what we assign. You, like all people, deserve to thrive and live without unnecessary suffering. However, what you deserve isn’t what you have.

It sounds like you would benefit most from spending time with other people. Humans are psychologically programed to need eachother, which is inconvenient in some respects. Relationships risk emotional harm, yet we are miserable without them. However, the greatest joys often come from the time we spend with others.

Socializing is like food and water for us. It’s a basic need. Like so many other needs, modern society sucks at delivering that need to everyone. Thanks to economic and political incentives, people don’t have what they need. Knowing the context doesn’t necessarily make it easier to find community, but it reminds us to not blame ourselves. Survival is a struggle, but it could totally be easier.

To parents that don’t think their kids were good enough: skill issue.

Edit: I meant that parents who expect so much from their kids suck at parenting. To be a skilled parent, you can’t let children not living up to your expectations bother you. Getting mad at them for being inadequate won’t make them more adequate in any sense.

Being autistic was a key part of my experience. I always chalked up my differences from male peers to autism. I was already trying to be normal in other ways, so gender wasn’t as unique.

I had plenty of signs, but I took every instance where I didn’t relate to other transfems as evidence of being cis. I was afraid of not actually being trans and making a mistake. I wanted to be totally certain, not realizing that coming out requires a leap of faith for most.

This is my favorite picrew from my egg days. I had made dozens of feminine picrews by that point, but I would never save them. I felt scared that if I saved them, I would be forced to accept that I was transfem. I would make a cute one, trying to match my long hair and glasses, and stare at it for a few minutes for gender euphoria. I would go for a gender neutral look that technically matched my surface level features, but I knew that I really wanted a fem look and didn’t have the guts to do it.

It was May of 2021. I had already accepted wasn’t cis, but hadn’t accepted that I didn’t want to be masculine in any way. This picrew was a cry for help from my true self. I remember making it almost without thinking. When it was done, I knew what it meant. I knew the sign should read, “You’re a woman stupid!” However, I still took another year to accept it and almost another year after that to come out.

You dumb bitch. You poor thing. I love you.

I’m waiting for that dark version now. The dark side of transition is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural 😈

The most foundational concept to America is economic exploitation and cut throat entrepreneurship. Selfishness is more foundational to American conservatives than the church or the state. Trump was openly a selfish asshole. One would think that open disregard for others would disqualify someone from the highest elected office, but the right thought otherwise. Being a bully meant that Trump was strong. A lack of empathy isn’t a vice, but a virtue.