I’ve been having a dought. It’s a small nagging one but it’s there.
I’ve been working a lot with my therapist on self hate issues, but I can acknowledge them.
I realized I can never really be in any kind of physical relationship with somone because of this. I’m repulsed by myself and perhaps my asexuality is just a result of that.
I wonder if I am so repulsed by myself that the idea of me being with anyone is rejected because of the “me” part and not how I feel towards others. Where some may think “I want to kiss that person” I can’t bare the thought if subjecting somone to me in that way. And therefore the thought is gross.
Does anyone else deal with this? Any advice?
I am not dealing with this to answer one of your questions but had plenty interactions with people who (without making any direct comparisons) were struggling with something like that — tho not all of them were self defining as asexuals.
You started the hard work of unraveling yourself through therapy — this is a great start. Maybe there were already some mentions about self-appreciation from therapists side, if not, this might be one of the ways later down the road. Self-appreciation and self-love might be too broad and abstract concepts for you in a place where you are using words like “repulsed” about yourself, but they can be approached in the future, in a healthy way.
I want to address the other thing, which might be the even bigger issue. Plenty of people treat their sexuality as if it was a stone with equations and sacred rules to live by — while sexuality can be a pretty fluid thing full of surprises. It takes a lot of self-discovering to understand and explore ones sexuality, even if it is an actual asexuality.
All of the above takes time, my only advice for you (as I know nothing about you) would be to invest as much time as you can into yourself. Therapy is a part of that investment. Asking yourself hard questions, having doubts, all this is a part of a complicated process. It even takes time to trust that process of exploring the unknown territories.
Thank you. Your “set in stone” point makes me wonder if my asexuality is wrapped up in my identity. And that may be another thing I’d need to reflect on.
Fortunately, I am patient enough to wait amd see how things go. Not that I have much of a choice.
What is that supposed to mean? I know, but I want to hear you say it.
Nah, sorry, I am not playing these games online. There, there and there you go.
It is not the best approach to communication by implying someones twisted / misunderstood intentions by just taking a few words out of context to force a not existing point.
Then it becomes a drama minefield.