So I’m not sure how to define my sexuality. I only care because I have a hard time explaining it to others (men mostly women don’t care).
Basically about 2 years ago I came out as bisexual (50/50 attraction). I had a lot of sexual trauma and resolved it in therapy. I had a whore phase to explore myself, but I honestly don’t enjoy sex that much. I maybe cum 1-2/10 times, so mostly it’s been about pleasing my partners.
A couple months ago, I basically stopped dating because I kinda don’t care to. I find I get much more out of dance and hobbies. I still get horny, but after masturbating, I am back to not caring.
Sex just sounds remarkably unrewarding and too much effort. I like connecting with people, but dancing with someone is way less complicated than arranging sex for the same reward. Friends annoy me sometimes because they assume I’m just not having success.
Is this asexuality? I still sometimes like sex, just very rarely.
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This link really helped me understand myself, and I hope you’ll get some mileage out of it too.
I would say that what you describe falls in the spectrum, but no one can decide whether you’re asexual but yourself. As pointed out, a label is just a tool to better understand yourself and find people that somewhat can relate to your experience.
Asexual people can experience libido (sex-drive) or not, aesthetic attraction, can masturbate or not, engage in sexual activities for a number of reasons (feeling close to someone, pleasing someone, etc.), etc.
What really helped me was to listen to other ace people experiences. You can find a bunch of resources online, for a starter I really like the “free from desire” podcast, which touch on a number of the things you describe in your post.
Best of luck in your self-introspection, whether or not you decide that the label is for you you’ll have come out the other way with a better understanding of yourself :) .
Also take care, do not put too much pressure on yourself, and please don’t let other define your relationship to your sexuality for you.
I like sex well enough and I have a very high sex drive, it’s just hasn’t worth the effort so I don’t pursue relationships. I wouldn’t classify myself as asexual. If I magically found myself in a relationship with someone I was compatible with I would pursue that. The problem is finding that person. I’m not sure what that is considered.
Not sure if Id call you asexual since you still have potential for a sexual relationship in the right circumstances. I would say demisexual maybe
Demisexual still falls under the asexual spectrum, just as an fyi.
Thanks did not know
I am no expert in all the nuances, but I second your opinion that the description seems to match demisexual.
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Demisexual would fit perfectly if “deep emotional connection” were replaced with “the right energy”. I don’t need a deep connection in the traditional sense, but I need a very particular energy which is rare.
The last person (woman) I had this with could barely understand me when I spoke (different English accents). We danced and I felt a strong connection. Ultimately it’s emotions, but it was like we move and breathe the same. Like our bodies flow together and connect. We only danced and kissed, but I’d rather dance with her than fuck some beautiful person who I didn’t have that with.
So maybe a deep emotional connection, so long as “emotional” includes a wide variety of emotions.
Depends on how strictly you want to define asexuality, some people will say yes. From what you’re saying, I don’t think you are.
For most women sex isn’t enjoyable unless they are in love with their partner and feel safe+cared for. Only a small minority of women enjoy casual sex with strangers all the same. The frequency and quality of orgasms is very dependent on this.
For men it’s the opposite way around. Most will enjoy casual sex, only a minority doesn’t. Love+ feeling safe is a factor too, but it’s less of a difference.
It all depends on what hormones you have flowing through your veins.
So I’m guessing it was just bad relationship. Or another possibility is bad sexual health, which is also very common these days (mostly because of cardiometabolic health).
If you want to find someone to care for you, you have to signal that you appreciate being cared for and reciprocate. Most people today fail at either of these steps, it is especially hard for people with trauma.
I think your answer quite strongly essentialize gender norms.
Everyone crave intimacy in their own way, whether a man, woman, enby, allo or ace, aro or not. Similarly, men and women have a quite similar sex drive according to most studies (meaning that you find quite the same range: some people just have a high sex drive while other have a lower one, regardless of gender). Hormones do somewhat play a role in it apparently, but quite frankly sex drive is the result of very complex interactions in your body, is affected by your psychological state of mind, etc. In any way, it really can’t be tied down to a simple testosterone vs. eustrogen debate.
What gender exactly is (a construct, a performance?) is still up for debate in the social sciences, however, all scholars do agree that different expectations exists regarding sexual behavior for men and women. Those expectations both contribute to shape your identity and influence the way you act, through to norms enforcement mechanisms.
Where I’m going with that is that most women have strongly internalized the “dangers” of casual sex (slut-shaming, as well as putting yourself physically at risk of aggression), while men have internalized different norms (social valorisation put on number and diversity of sexual “conquests”). All of this have very little to do with sexual preferences, or asexuality in general.
I also do think that the last part of your answer play on aphobic tropes (health issue or trauma). Not accusing you of anything, just pointing out that it might be read as insensitive. In general I really don’t think anything’s wrong with OP, whether they are asexual or not. They do not seem to express distress tied to their situation, only annoyance at how other people perceive this as “an issue”.
So part of my issue is these norms. As a man I’m supposed to be out conquering, so many men I talk to dismiss my feelings completely. It annoys me, so I end up being friends with women more.
Plus I can easily get sex if I want. I can walk into a gay/kink/bisexual sex party and get fucked left and right. But the cost-benefit ratio is off. Even at sex clubs where I get some of my best sexual experiences, the amount of pleasure I get simply doesn’t justify the effort. Sex in relationships has typically been worse than in parties/groups.
And yeah, I’m not distressed about my sexuality. I’m just annoyed with people (mostly men, but some women) who presume to know what I need to be happy (meaning sex).
Yeah I know. As an Ace person, the conflation of normality, happiness and sex is really tiresome at times. Norms surrounding sexual relations can be quite asphyxiating. Casual acephobia is really to be found everywhere, and even though I never felt in any way in physical danger because of my identity the way other parts of the LGBT accronym can be, I definitely felt the alienation.
However at the end of the day, you have every right to push back against those kind of demands, and call them out for what they are. If I’m honest that’s the other part of why labels are useful for me: as a political tool to push back and assert that the way I chose to live my life is legitimate.
Edit: Even if you end up choosing not to use the label, you can still point out that ace people exist and that universalizing norms around sex is pretty acephobic in itself. Everyone should be able to voice their experience without feeling dismissed.
I’m sorry, but it feels like you’re reducing sexuality almost entirely down to nothing more than biology, when it’s so much more complicated than that.
