Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts down.
I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4 years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad, so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it aside easily and continue with my life.
Sure, I would have bad days where dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like:
“Why can’t I look like her? Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so many people hate me for being who I want to be?”
But as always, these times would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day.
My wife of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+ friends.
In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but obviously that has more potential consequences.
The more time passes with me accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense experience.
Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public. Also, with my wife’s pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years)
I know for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome.
I wish it wasn’t so hard to keep pretending. I’m just so tired.
Edit: Update
Be true to yourself and find ways to grow and become a better person each and every day.
You are hiding secrets from your wife. Secrets that you are actively sharing with others that are not your wife. Would you prefer to live with this secret for the rest of your life? Would you prefer to wait to transition until you are no longer able to be passable with hrt? Would you be happy with yourself and the decisions that you made in life if you looked back at your past from your death bed and saw that you chose to be male throughout every single one of your memories? Would you be fine dieing as a man? Is your decision being made because you are the one making it, or because you are embarrassed about how others may react when you tell them how you really prefer to be?
The choice is yours. No one else can make it for you. Some say that we choose our own heaven and hell in life. If you’re living in a personal hell, you might want to consider making different choices
Feeling like I need to keep secrets from her is one of the things that makes it the hardest. I want to bring myself into the light. I would not be content on my deathbed.
Then be content. Tell your best friend what you need to say.
See you in 10 or 20 years when you are writing a long post about how much you regret this decision and all of the time you wasted. All you have to do is look at the many MANY other posts of people who did what you are planning on doing and regret it big time to know its true.
You’re right, sorry to be confusing. The post title was meant to refer to how I have previously chosen to postpone transitioning ever since realizing I am trans; a choice I am no longer content with.
You say you know your wife thinks that being trans is wrong but are you so sure of that? Don’t get me wrong I know loads of religious folk who think that, but how’re you sure she thinks that? Has she said things that make you think she still believes what she did in the past?
I know if I was hiding something so fundamental to my existence I would eventually crack and things would explode. If I was to give advice I’d try to essentially probe what your wife currently thinks about trans folk. See how she currently thinks about things cause there are religious people out there who, once it’s someone they know, are fine with things. Not a lot of them but they do exist. And at the end of the day, do you want to continue living a lie and hiding something so fundamental about yourself? Or do you want to take a leap of faith and finally manage to be yourself, despite having to possibly start over in some areas?
Being out is hard but there is nothing that can match being yourself in public. Plus, if someone loves you, actually loves you, they won’t hate you because you’re trans. And if they do hate you when you come out then they never loved you really. Good luck with your future, I hope you’re able to come out and be yourself.
Thank you for this. I’ve asked her some probing questions, and I get a lot of uncertainty from her. Now that I’m writing that, uncertainty means she would have to doubt what she used to think. Seems obvious, but I’m only just realizing that.
if they do hate you when you come out then they never loved you really.
I’ve read this before, but it’s hitting me different now in a good way, I think. Thanks again.
Can you keep pretending? If so and if it’s the better choice for you then feel free.
I’m curious about you cosplaying a lesbian with your wife.
In one of our favorite series we watch together (Critical Role), two characters were introduced in a new season who we each latched onto as our respective favorites. Lo and behold, these characters ended up together. When we started deciding what costumes to make for GenCon this year, we went with those characters.
A fellow woman of culture, I see!
I want to help, but I feel like you are more venting than asking for help? I’m trying to pick up on that more, trying to be a better listener.
Previous point aside, I feel you. The confusion, fear of losing your family… You can look at my history and feel vindicated in your worries… But I suggest you don’t.
This is your story. Tell it how you want. If you think being in the closet for a while longer is better for you, we support you
If you decide to come out, we support that too.
And if, at some point, you may think you are cisgendered, well, we support that too
I’d like to think the trans community is mostly about learning who you are, and being true to yourself, regardless of where it leads, or at least that’s how I approach it.
Just, remember to try to teach those around you how to love, regardless of what you decide. The only way we can make the world a better place is to try to teach people that everyone deserves love, compassion, and respect.
You are so kind, thank you. Let’s leave the world better than we found it!
Yes, I am venting but also value any insight or help the community has to offer.
Well, some suggestions, to maybe help you feel more in-line with yourself, without being “suspicious:”
Before I even started questioning, some of my favorite socks were some really long, masculine styled socks, but went above my knee. Could give you the feeling of wearing stockings without turning heads.
Maybe you could incorporate jewelry? A simple necklace or bracelet might help.
Shaving my body hair really helped me start to find myself, and was one of my first big hits of euphoria. But, if you are especially hairy, people may take notice, and your partner definitely will.
Maybe talk that one out with your partner first, so it doesn’t come off as a surprise and shock them?
You need to sort out your morals, religion, and philosophy.
You said you believe being trans is wrong, yet support your lgbt friends. You believe being trans is wrong, yet you are trans? Friend, you need to fix yo shit and start putting that religion bigot nonsense to rest. Find god a different way, realize your understanding was wrong, whatever you gotta do. But you need to settle those conflicts. Have a conversation with yourself or something, do it aloud or online or something, because believing your existence is wrong is a really dark and stupid path.
And before you fear what you may find: yes, you may realize that a lot of the people you know and the world are really fucked up and seriously stupid.
But remember: lgbt people have messy lives for a reason and it’s not by their choice, and you are never wrong for existing as your authentic self.
You need to sort out your morals, religion, and philosophy.
Understatement of the decade. Yes, that is probably the most exhausting part of all this.
Despite still holding onto my religious upbringing, I do not believe homosexual and gender non-conforming people are an affront to those beliefs.
And before you fear what you may find: yes, you may realize that a lot of the people you know and the world are really fucked up and seriously stupid.
(Un?)fortunately, I found that out quite a while ago.
you are never wrong for existing as your authentic self.
Thank you
Okay, look. From spending time in a heavily regressive location with a support group of roughly 50 or so trans individuals, please hear me when I say you need a separate off the books place for money. You just do. I genuinely very much do hope everything works out well, but overwhelmingly people in relationships need to build off trust. If you suspect your significant other may not be able to handle it, then you should have finances set aside for that risk. I’ve seen so many horrible sob stories at this point, that I feel you really need to know. I’ve also seen things go surprisingly well, and encourage you to hold on to hope.
As little fun as this is to hear, I hadn’t considered this and appreciate your insight. I will hold on to hope, thank you.
Before I came out, I was absolutely convinced that family would never accept me. I was raised in an extremely conservative Christian household and my family still is. My parents struggled a fair bit to accept it but now a year later, they’re pretty good about name and pronouns. My mom was faster than my dad who didn’t really talk to me for a few months after. Extended family was so much better than expected as well and only my grandfather has rejected me, which my dad will never do anything about. He keeps to himself about any anti-trans feelings he has and I know he doesn’t fully accept it but that’s still a much better outcome than I ever expected.
Sometimes things go better than we fear. I suppressed for almost 10 years because of fears of familial rejection but there comes a point that we just can’t deny ourselves anymore. I hope you’re able to transition and keep everything you want but sometimes the pain of not being able to be ourselves is too much no matter how hard we try.
This resonates with me also because some of my more distant family has already estranged themselves over the last few years for completely unrelated reasons. I want to help keep people together, but it’s ultimately not up to me if they want to stay close.
Are they really your family and friends if they aren’t going to love you for who you are? The other week I heard Eric Andre say “The people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind.” Which I think is a fantastic saying that I am now holding on to for the rest of my life. I know how hard it is to keep pretending. Even though I am on HRT and present femme most of the time, I still boymode at work since I live in an area that leans conservative and most of my clients are older or elderly. I’m thinking of just up and quitting soon because it’s hard to take it but it would also leave me without income.
I guess what I have to say is that, it’s really hard to be someone you aren’t. Just live your life the way you want and the people who genuinely love you will stick around. I don’t want you to feel like you have to come out; you should do it when it feels right for you. I know I was forced into coming out cause my Mom found my femme stuff and it was pretty difficult at first but she eventually came around and we have a good relationship now.
I suggest that you consider coming out to your wife. Maybe take baby steps and ask her how she felt about cosplaying as a lesbian couple or something. I know it is very difficult to keep pretending and it just gets harder and harder unless you do things to make it easier.
Just live your life the way you want and the people who genuinely love you will stick around.
Why is the best advice always so damn simple. I will definitely consider telling her soon. Thank you.
Sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate in some ways (age, pre-transition, not out to some important people in my life) but can’t in others (no SO, only realized I was trans about 1.5years ago, most of the important people I’m not out to would be relatively supportive, NB).
Ultimately, I feel like if people important to you won’t accept you for who you are, then its better to find out sooner rather than trying to live a double life. Of course I’m a hypocrite since I haven’t come out to my parents, my sister, or my best friend yet (and two of them have asked me if I’m a woman because of how I was experimenting with presentation - one of which has asked 3 times at this point). So I get that it can be scary, even in much lower stakes scenarios. But I’ve also come out in other high stakes ways to people and found myself relatively surprised by how accepting people were.
I’m always surprised to hear people’s stories of how supportive others can be sometimes. I genuinely hope that someday soon we can both experience more of that.
I see this post is almost a week old now, so hope things have gone well if you’ve had the conversation.
Ideally you want to front foot this so you can control how and when she finds out. My wife found out when she saw the notifications from my reddit account. Shit hit the fan. It’s settled down now, but almost 2 years on she still has trust issues. I’m out to close friends (as to what I am, I’m not sure yet) but sill present male virtually all the time.
Also it’s the people we care the most about that are the hardest to tell. I feel guilty telling friends cause I feel like I’ve wasted the time they’ve invested in the previous me and they may not want to be friends with the new me.
You aren’t alone 🙂
Hey friend, I’m in a nearly identical situation, just without the kids/religion/marriage.
It got to the point where my coping mechanisms were causing me to neglect my girlfriend of 6 years. We had an argument/conversation about this and I could not bring myself to tell her at the time and it made me realize that I am actually hiding things from her. That my internal thoughts would rather run from the relationship than face my trans-ness WITH her.
I ended up telling her this past Sunday evening and she took it extraordinarily well.
It will be worth it for you as well, and it only gets easier from here. The hard part is taking that first leap, but just take your time to find the words with an intention to say them and I promise you’ll achieve it. ☺️
I’m glad things went well for you! Trying to work up the courage to say something soon; almost did last night with all the support I got from here yesterday.
